things have gotten MUCH MUCH worse since springtime... my life is now a total disaster and is completely worthless. As of now, I am too much of a coward to really do anything about it, but I am working on that.

I see no point in making further entries here... it's not helping and is a colossal waste of time. Maybe a category 5 storm will come and wash us all away, with any luck.

Yes... it's that time of year again. All of the loud, annoying, scooter riding, horn honking college punks will invade the island. Yeah, yeah, we need the $ they bring... and the girls are always amazing... but personally I would rather have the space and solace. So, I am bracing myself for this place to be overrun and hoping it will be a thin crowd. Maybe a lot of kids won't come this year thinking Wilma wiped us out. If so, it would again prove that destructive hurricanes have a positive side as well.

Since my last entry I have been doing ok, I guess. Weather has been excellent, except a couple of windy, rainy days it has been upper 70's and very sunny. I have gotten some quality beach time in... Higgs beach is in the best shape I have ever seen, so I tend to hang out there. My beach cruiser died so I went to K-mart and bought a new bike... coulda got something used, but figured it was worth $70 to get a decent ride. It is soooo much better than the cruiser... I can actually shift gears and get around with ease and speed.

Made it to a couple of ballgames which is just about my favorite thing to do here. Fat Tuesday was the other day... it was pretty loud and crazy on Duval, esp. in the 700 block. Lilly fell and broke her arm while Joszef was watching her... she is ok... I am really glad it didn't happen on my watch. I have been looking around a little more seriously for work, but everything is restaurant/waitstaff and I dread a job like that. Pizza delivery is still an option, but I dread the abuse my car will take and traffic is insane lately. Have been doing really well at the Poker tables lately. Well, that catches me up on my journal for now... next entry in a week or so.

I've been meaning to catch up on here but have been busy/lazy. I have been doing somewhat better since my last entry. Mainly, because the weather has returned to it's normal, sunny excellence. It has been beautiful for the past week or more and I have tried to get out and enjoy it.

I have spent a lot of time going over Joe and Kitty's and made a few bucks in the process. They are still a mess and I try to stay out of their stupid arguments. I worry about them a lot and how their constant fighting affects Lilly. I try not to think about it too much, theres not a thing I can do and I have plenty of other things to worry about.

Other than that, nothing is going on. I either go to the beach or ride my bike (which is shot and I am going to buy a new one over next few days) around by day and stay home at night playing poker and watching the olympics. I am struggling finding things to do... but I haven't been feeling so low over the last week or so. Black Dog is in town so I see him at Duval Beach Club every now and again. He might be able to hook me up with a painting gig soon. I want to get back to working, but I don't want to do something that is gonna drive me insane. Money is tight, but not gone. I have hope that something good will turn up. I have a care package on the way from back home that I'm looking forward to. I will try to keep up with my journal more as well.

It's 6 am... I cannot sleep and I feel like total crap today. Haven't done much since I last wrote here. The weather is SOOOO hit or miss lately. Hot and sunny for a day then cold and windy for 3. I had been feeling a bit better, but past couple of days have been miserable. The roosters are OUT OF HAND on my street and I have been so close to just snapping, grabbing something and beating the life out of them. Anger and frustration are the words of the day, I guess.

Apparently, someone who lives here stumbled upon this blog and sent me a nice email... it made me feel better for about 10 mins. Then I realized that I am still who I am... and I am still a failure. It really is amazing to me how everything I try, touch, or care about falls apart. The past few days have been a clear reminder that no matter what, it's just not going to work out for me. I mean, where do I even begin? Just sitting here now typing this the frustraton is welling up. Why can't I go to sleep? Why can I not wake up with even a tiny bit of hope? Why can't I just go to sleep and not wake up, ever? I am SO aggravated. All I can really say is whatever.

It has rained today for the first time in weeks and it is windy and nasty out so a good chance to catch up here. Mostly have been playing poker and keeping the usual low profile, although I did go out to eat past couple of nights. Hung out in front of Bull & Whistle and bs'ed with Cliff for a couple of hours Friday night. I was surprised at how many people I know went by. The day before was at Duval Beach for some needed sun and hung out at Joe and Kittys till well after sunset. Joe has started driving a cab and is trying to talk me into doing it as well. Had to sneak out when Lily wasn't looking.

Better mood in general I guess... mostly 'cuz I've had pretty good luck at the poker tables and manged to double my $ pretty quickly thus far. Of course, I tend to have beginners luck so we will see how long this lasts.

The island is getting busier for sure. Out of state plates, vans and RV's are accumulating. We are bracing for spring break. Not too crazy yet but I can feel it building. As of now I could care less, but I'm sure it will become very annoying. New computer seems to be fine, much faster and a huge improvement over the old laptop.

Been a pretty good week I guess, loads better than the last several weeks for sure.

Well... when it rains it pours. I pretty much bottomed out a few days ago and was dreaming of sweet death. Then my laptop died (again) and thus my social life died with it, along with my ability to post my miserable, whining copmplaints to this journal. So... I made the 260 mile round trip to the mainland to buy a cheap desktop. I have been due for a new pc anyway, but obviously it's not in the budget. So my wonderful grandmother came thru and told me to go charge one on the card and not worry about it. She is my freaking hero, yet again. She is beyond a saint in my eyes. Not only did she shell out ovwer $500 for a new pc she also shelled out $500 to have my cat's benign lump removed. So, I basically owe her the world as I have for years now.

Something about her generosity, combined with the drive off the island (first time I have left the rock in months) has really helped me feel better. I am still the same lame loser of course... but I feel a bit more fight in me. Hard to explain, but I think the past couple of days some of the hopelessness has disappeared. I feel like finding work a lot more now too, so I can send some $ home and try and make my grandma proud... not to mention I owe her prob. $10,000!!!

This is always the worst time of the year for me and Valentines Day is the peak of that misery, for obvious reasons. So, I am going to try extra hard this year to fight it. I feel if I can get past that day, and into the end half of the month reasonably sane, I will be in a place mentally where I can go looking for a job. It's 3 months since I worked more than the odd day here and there. Maybe I will at least be able to have even the slightest bit of faith in myself and my chances to make it on this island. If I can just tough out the next 2 1/2 weeks I actually believe things can improve. It's a very guarded optimism, but it is something. Other than the run to the mainland, it has been dullsville and theres not much else to write about, so I am out of here.

Well haven't written in a while but not much has happened. The weather has been mostly nice and hot but I have little desire to go out. Since my last entry I have gone to the beach a couple of times, but mostly I am totally addicted to online poker. I played for about 27 consecutive hours last Fri & Sat. and played for about 20 hrs. last night and this morning. I think I've played really well and have learned a lot about reading opponents and how to bet. If it weren't for this I would have had NOTHING to do, esp. at night.

I feel pretty much the same as far as the depression goes... I am struggling. In a complete switch I simply cannot eat. 2 weeks ago I couldn't stop. Now food is disgusting and I lost 10 pounds in just a few days. Generally, this would be okay but I feel very malnourished, weak and dehydrated. My stomach is def. NOT happy w/ me right now, either. my sleep is very erratic too, of course staying up insane hours playing cards is part of it.

If it weren't winter, I would prob. go back up north, I am missing my grandmother painfully and since I just sit inside all the time anyway, why am I here?

Life has been uneventful and dull... only thing interesting at all is that Joszef has moved back from Vegas. I know I need to find work, but I can hardly be around anyone right now.

 I hate this. It's not worth it.

After a nice warm week it really got cold and super windy on Sat. Last night was the coldest it has been in the few years I have spent here. We were close to dipping below 50. I locked myself in my room to watch football, play online poker and avoid humanity. Esp. Joe and Kitty who are headed straight for a domestic tragedy. Seriously. The latest is she called and told me cops had to come as he apparently barricaded himself in the bedroom and called 911 to say she wouldn't let him leave!!! It is a tragicomic situation if I've ever seen one. A total disaster... I feel terrible for Lilly, to have to deal with that. She may still be young enough to take it in stride. He called on Sat. and invited me over to watch the Seahawks game. Yeah, right... I'll be right over... can hardly wait. So, I keep my cell turned off hardcore now so I don't have to keep making excuses for not stopping by. I can't deal w/ them I have my own friggin problems.

I basically just stayed in as planned and watched football. Colts-Steelers was a crazy game. I didn't feel quite so low, but it's prob. impossible to stay that  miserable for long without totally breaking down.  The darkest thoughts have seemed to recede a bit and if anything I feel sort of angry and indignant the past couple of days. I have this whole "I know I am a bad person and  a failure and loser in life but I am ok with that at the moment so **** off and stay away" thing goin' on. It's not a great place to be, but loads better than where I was just days ago.  I had fun playing on partypoker... esp. Sat. night I did very very well until I went into the highest stakes tables, then got cleaned out. I tried to sign up to play with real $$$, but it didn't work. I'm sure that is a good thing... thats all I need to add to my problems - gambling losses. If TJ ever sets up an online weekly game, I will play for cash with them and keep any losses to a bare minimum. I had to sign up to a new porn site, as my frustration has reached epic  proportions lately... like some horned out teen. Years of inactivity piling up I guess. Oh, well, that's all for today... it was a fairly uneventful weeknd both physically & mentally.

The past couple of days have been awful... on Monday I hung out and talked w/ Thomas from across the hall for a few hours and we went down to Lobos Mixed Grill. Trying to eat less but pigged out on Carolines Tuesday night. Tue and Wed we had decent weather - mid 70's - went to the beach a while and rode around. But for whatever reason I have been feeling VERY VERY alone and insignificant. It is again reaching that brokenhearted, pain in the pit of my stomach level.  It is not good.

Wednesday I just wanted to go for a quiet, solemn bike ride... but that never works on this tiny island. You can't go anywhere without running into somebody. Several somebodies. I wanted to ride down to Smathers Beach to check out all these new phone booths everyone has been bitching about, but ran into Joe, Kitty and Lilly at Rest Beach. So they flagged me down and I hung out there for several hours with them. I do love Lilly but she runs a body down so fast and she never tires herself... the energy of a 3 yr. old. There were these huge chunks of glass and pieces of china we were picking out of the shallows. Another major cause for sadness for me here is the littering and polluting in a place as nice as this... it kills me. As usual, those guys wound up getting into some stupid argument while I basically baby-sat. This is why I try to avoid them. I like them, and they are my friends, but it just gets so freaking old. They are one of the worst couples I have ever seen. At least I don't feel so bad about being alone when I think of the trainwreck those guys are. And they even realize it, yet they stay together. Stupid. I worry about something bad eventually coming out of that whole relationship and wouldn't be surprised if something ugly happens. I hope the child is not hurt.

Last night I was feeling lower than low so I felt the need to read some things about depression and suicide online. It was unbelievable, some of the stories I read. As difficult and sad as this was for me I think it's important for me to find other people who I can relate to and have some of the same troubles as I. I read about a lot of different types of people  who have had serious depression in thier lives and what became of them. Not all of the endings were sad, but I was surprised to see how many people who had partners - wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, children - wow!!! I read things that literally took my breath away and made me sob in pain. I was also stunned to see how many of the people were good looking... honestly far more attractive than I, but they couldn't win thier battles against depression. So I look at it this way... if all these people with much brighter futures and a lot more love in thier lives couldn't win... how can I? It just seems like a losing or even unwinable battle. When I woke up this morning I thought about it right away. It was a very bad way to start the day. It's not going to really get any better. The best is behind you. You have no real prospects to get to the places you want to reach and you're not really sure where that even is. So I spent a beautiful day holed up, playing video games, working on my journal and fighting back dark thoughts.

OK, I'm done I will write again in a few days. Maybe I will feel better but it looks like we have rain coming followed by another cold front.

Well, the past week since I last wrote has been pretty bad... but I have managed to get out and ride my bike and get some sun. Esp. early in the week when we had very warm above 80 degree days. I paid Alex the ridiculous rent he charges me for the month of Jan. (we pay about 3 times the national avg. for rent here) and I have enough for next month, so I am ok in that regard. I watched some college bowl games during the week, Penn St. beat Fla. St. in a great game at the Orange Bowl and Texas beat USC in an unreal Rose Bowl game. I have been eating like a pig this week... strange when I go thru my depressed times I usually cant eat but not now! It got VERY cold at the end of the week and lows were down to 50 and I have been freezing. I don't have heat in my crappy little room so I bundled up, stayed in and watched the NFL wildcard games.

Not much of a week but not too bad... I am very down but not quite as miserable I suppose.

Well it's a new year and I am going to attempt to write as much as I can about the events and feelings in my day to day life. Right now it is a hell of a lot more "feeling" than events unfortunately. I have run out of things to do and have been so miserable and depressed about everything lately. My battle with all of my emotional problems is slipping away from me steadily. It is so difficult to deal with being so far away from family and close friends.

Last night was a good night in Key West, though. The streets were packed with revelers and there was a good vibe. It was rowdy but friendly. The crowd at the corner of my street and Duval was jammed, I couldn't even walk through there. I was supposed to meet my old co-worker, Tony at Sloppy Joes Bar to watch the ball drop but never made it. I ran into Seattle Joe and his g/f and her kid and the crowd was too thick to get close to the ball drop so we watched from a distance. Another new years rang in without anyone to kiss, just like every other previous new year of my life. After that we went to watch the fireworks being launched off of White St. Pier at the south end of the island. It was a very good and shockingly long show. Those guys went home, I rode my bike around for over an hour, it was a very warm night over 70 degrees easily. Later on Kitty called me crying, her and Joe had a pretty bad fight. I tried to make her feel better and spent way too long on the phone w/ her. I finally went home but didn't sleep till after sunrise.

So I wake up to start the year and again I am just fighting it. Fighting that grey-blackness burning deep inside. It is a beautiful day - 80 and sunny but I am spending the day indoors watching the last week of NFL football. The Chargers get embarrassed by Denver at home and Drew Brees is hurt badly. At least the Dolphins won. Whatever. Like something as stupid as football really matters anyway.